Utterly Depressed

Started taking the Epilim again tonight.  When all else fails at least I have a crutch to fall on....even if it makes me ill...even if it kills me.......
It's not the Epilim that did the major damage.  It was that drug Olanzepine.  Twelve years fried my brains.  Shit I can't even KNIT!

Actually it was the last straw of a succession of powerful psychiatric drugs which Psychiatrists administered ad-lib to calm me down from reeling from victimisation in a dysfunctional family.

I did not speak of the sexual abuse......too ashamed, until years later but when I went to Kingseat Hospital complaining of attempted murder no one acknowledged the danger that I was in.  Nobody counselled me, nobody helped me.  They just used their sure fire cop out solution of medicating me.  When even the Police complain that you've wasted their time by calling them how am I supposed to react?  Am I that Sub-human and if that is a fact why then have I not the RIGHT to insist that they line me up against a wall and SHOOT me?

Am I a patient, am I human, or am I the enemy.  To solve the problem of the abuse and the attempted murder they, in my opinion, punished me with intense regimes of medication which would leave me trying to cope as a young adult with the intellect of a four year old.  Regularly dosing me with over 1000 mg of Largactil for eight week periods, which I believe was chronic overdosing that made me more disturbed than ever because of my sensitivity to the medication always made me fall into suicidal depression and it usually took 6 months for me to recover.  I did a drawing in Ode to Cat Stevens of a Mosk?? in Hamilton and looked back on it with shock at how childlike the work was.  It certainly illustrated the damage that was done to my brain.  Unfortunately the week I recovered was the week I was in for another round of intensive drugging.  I go for help because of tension in the family.  When my father called me a maggot because I forgot my handbag, etc, etc.  They may as well have put my brain in a frying pan and eaten it for all the damage the continual overdosing caused.  I wasn't the only one that suffered in this way.  I saw many beautiful young women, possibly also victimised in frenzied states from the drug regimes of our Psychiatric Hospitals.

Eventually I claimed ACC and received ten weeks counselling with Maureen Trainer and she likened the abuse to a Horror Story but the counselling ended and the abuse went on.  Psychiatry has it's place but the Culture in this country is arrogant and punishing of the Victim.

I've cost this country thousands and thousands of dollars just to keep me alive so I can BITCH.
To add insult to injury I believe I was gang raped by a charge nurse called Graham and his henchmen after they put me in a side cell and drugged me.  I was doing absolutely nothing but standing in the yard before they called me in to the side cell and I was so distressed I was trying to change my DNA with the toilet paper when I woke up in my side room.  I woke in such a state of panic that I was almost asphyxiated and spent a long time breathing through a one inch crack in the side room window.  Of course they always get away with it because, drugged, what would I remember.  It did not help having a Rapid response nurse pointedly asking me if I remembered Graham.  How could I forget but I did not know the "henchmen".  

Perhaps those were the bad old days but recently I was told that a P. A. who I actually liked in Waikato had been caught by another client raping a female in the Ward.  The lack of respect towards the psychiatrically ill is absolutely disgusting and it is all buried under the carpet.  

All the MISTAKES with medication are also played down and buried and their is so little accountability that it is not a wonder I've got to the stage that I said I felt like murdering six Psychiatrists and being put in a Forensic Unit for the anger and the rage that they have inspired in me. 

They've fried me and taken away my life skills anyway so why not give the the safety and security of a Forensic Ward.

They talk compassionately about the poor bastards that have been inadvertently or I prefer to say negligently obliterated with Antipsychotics in the old Hospitals and yet they conveniently turn a blind eye to the damage their medications are reeking on their patients that are trying to survive, against the odds, in the community on" subsistence benefits".  They patronise that if you can shower yourself and feed yourself you are doing well enough that they consider their regimes a success.  If you are spending 16 hours in bed a day they counter that you should just get out of bed even though their drugs are causing the extreme inertia in the first place.

They categorically deny surveys that point out that their own psychiatric medicines, when used on Monkeys, are known to shrink the brain by up to 14% when you beg them that something is terribly wrong because all you find yourself doing is sitting in a chair in a state of paralysis and Peter Skilton had the audacity to blame my condition on "learned helplessness".  Even with Mental Illness I was a highly motivated human being that was always trying to achieve something and apply myself to something until the long term effects of Psychiatric medication, and namely Olanzepine ravaged my brain.

There are millions of people on psychiatric medicine and most of them dying early deaths because of their Psychiatrists generosity when it comes to pilly pills because in the minds of our Communities we are Sub-human and there is no consequence because, they, in all their Wisdom, have at least PACIFIED them and offered PITY.

It is not PITY we need.  It is minimum medication but mostly Occupation and the Government needs to lead the way in setting this up.  Some of the Worlds Brightest minds are being wasted and ravaged in communities still so influenced by Stigma that it amounts to HATE.  I do not like people calling me "Anally Retentive" because Society leaves me with little options and plenty of time to feel sorry for myself.  I'm SCREWED but PLEASE Spare the children and Our Children's Children.  AMEN