When Experimentation on the Human Soul

Means that a Young Age
My tits are falling off
My Bones are aching
My Teeth are groaning
I can't remember how to bake a Cake
Let alone organise a Piss up at a Brewery
Psychiatry makes us as helpless as Children
Yet We still Choses to JUDGE them Harshly
That, in itself, is wrong.

I have every Right to demand a firing Squad

For a Life time of being treated as Worthless
And Blamefull
Why choose to Attack the Victim
On all Fronts
Why choose to lay the Blame at my Shoulders
If that is all you are doing
Then you are All Cowards
We cannot stand Blind Eyes
It is a Canker
To Our Society
And it Breeds
Resentment
We must Protect Everyone
That INCLUDES the Mexicans
Then Perhaps we will
Stop these Holy Wars
PLEASE

I'm not making any sense and I need a Smoke.  Holy Moley Marijuana

This Woman represents someone who is a Danger to herself and the Community.  She is both Suicidal and Angry.........If We medicate She will at least be quiet.  I do not approve of loosing my mind at 50 to Olanzepine........never mind marijuana......the drug should be BANNED

For What is Reason if We can't Admit that We were all Wrong

Dear God
I hope you forgive what I am Saying
That only in a Society
Where We do not Spare those
Left to living Abuse
If We do not Structure
A Paternal and Maternal Wing
Around the Mad within Our Societies
The Living Ghosts
Those let to live in families of Abuse
If I don't Speak Out
Who will
For to do so in itself is Mad
The "Bigger Picture"
Must be a BOLD
HOMEOPATHIC
Equation
I could once play the Piano
Almost to the Standard of Beethoven
I could once write Poetry
I won an Award with
"Bang Bang America for not Honouring Kyoto"
And now I have had Olanzepine
For Twelve whole Years
One year for each Disciple
Why should I not have the Right
To Death with Dignity
Rather than live in
TERROR
Of a Cruel Society
Olanzepine
Is not a Good Drug
It makes you forget where
Your Chewing Gum was
Your Train of Thought
Eventually you sit
Like Mad Monkies
Either Smoking
Or Thumb Sucking
Quibbling Wrecks
That have nothing left to Contribute
But be as but a Burden
On Society
The Stigma runs around my blood
Like Demons from Ancient time.........
We cannot Lie about the Truth
And the Truth is
That to accept the Mentally Ill
In Our Society
We must Stream our Children through
Into Adulthood
Into Positive Channels
Not just Channels of Abuse
Don't Punch or Straightjacket
just Drug them
And they will stay quiet and manageable
But leave their Humanity to Rot
As if in a Grave
That is how we cannot treat Our fellows
In a 21st Century
I beg now
On bended Knees
to John Key
And Bill English
And President Putin
And Who's that FUCKING BASTARD from America
How Dare he shut out the Mexicans
Like they are animals that deserve a Cage
Perhaps I will Stand and ask Donald Trump
to shoot me
For he is so Barbaric and Ageist
I would hope for that America
Cannot be overtaken
By Backward thinking
I shall not live perhaps
To Kiss the Statue of Liberty
But forward thinking Blessed America
Cannot go Backward
I still back Obama
And I he backs Hillary
Then So do I
We must go forward not back
Sexism, Racism and Prejudice
Is not the Answer
Amen

For What is Reason if We can't Admit that We were all Wrong

Dear God
I hope you forgive what I am Saying
That only in a Society
Where We do not Spare those
Left to living Abuse
If We do not Structure
A Paternal and Maternal Wing
Found the Mad within Our Societies
The Living Ghosts
Those let to live in families of Abuse
If I don't Speak Out
Who will
For to do so in itself is Mad
The "Bigger Picture"
Must be a BOLD
HOMEOPATHIC
Equation
I could once play the Piano
Almost to the Standard of Beethoven
I could once write Poetry
I won an Award with
"Bang Bang America for not Honouring Kyoto"
And now I have had Olanzepine
For Twelve whole Years
One year for each Disciple
Why should I not have the Right
To Death with Dignity
Rather than live in
TERROR
Of a Cruel Society
Olanzepine
Is not a Good Drug
It makes you forget where
Your Chewing Gum was
Your Train of Thought
Eventually you sit
Like Mad Monkies
Either Smoking
Or Thumb Sucking
Quibbling Wrecks
That have nothing left to Contribute
But be as but a Burden
On Society
The Stigma runs around my blood
Like Demons from Ancient time.........
We cannot Lie about the Truth
And the Truth is
That to accept the Mentally Ill
In Our Society
We must Stream our Children through
Into Adulthood
Into Positive Channels
Not just Channels of Abuse
Don't Punch or Straightjacket
just Drug them
And they will stay quiet and manageable
But leave their Humanity to Rot
As if in a Grave
That is how we cannot treat Our fellows
In a 21st Century
I beg now
On bended Knees
to John Key
And Bill English
And President Putin
And Who's that FUCKING BASTARD from America
How Dare he shut out the Mexicans
Like they are animals that deserve a Cage
Perhaps I will Stand and ask Donald Trump
to shoot me
For he is so Barbaric and Ageist
I would hope for that America
Cannot be overtaken
By Backward thinking
I shall not live perhaps
To Kiss the Statue of Liberty
But forward thinking Blessed America
Cannot go Backward
I still back Obama
And I he backs Hillary
Then So do I
We must go forward not back
Sexism, Racism and Prejudice
Is not the Answer
Amen

And the reason we don't talk about it is because We DON'T like the TRUTH

For Who Hears the Mentally Ill

From a life time of 
Mental Illness
From experiencing
Growing Up
With a GOOD Brain
That could have been put to Good use
I now beseech and Beg
That we must change the FOCUS
On the Care of the "Mentally Ill"
Awareness of the Stigma
Is a STRESSOR
In itself
I don't care if I don't
Write a BOOK
Or that I don't effectively
Have my Life Acknowledged
But I do care about Our Children
And Our Children's Children
If there is one thing that I can do....
It is BEG that We PROTECT
If Teenagers are fragile
It is because they know that
They cannot afford to fail
If We are to be a Civilised Society
We must look to those at the Bottom
Of the Ladder
With kindness and Consideration.
I went from being top of the Class
To being Alienated and Excluded
Languishing in relative Poverty
And even when I wasn't
Poverty of the Mind
Prevented me from Succeeding
I still debate that after my first
And Second 
And Third Breakdown
I had a USEFUL
ENGAGING Mind
I visualised myself
As a Cabbage Patch Doll
Because people refer to the Mentally Ill
As "Cabbages"
With my "little finger"
Attached to the Ladder of LIFE
Therein lies the PROBLEM
And the Cure for Our Society
In a Truly Christian Society
We would not inadvertently 
Throw Our most Vulnerable
Off the Cliff so that we would Survive
It is both Selfish and Blind
Not to see
That the only way that we can 
COMFORT the Psyche of those with
Mental Illness
That we have made a Place
That we have safe Work environments
I did not work
Because I was vulnerable to Sexual Abuse
Let alone to the degradation 
Of the mocking of the Mentally Ill
I've Isolated
Developed Anti Social
And Compulsive Habits
I volunteer for the Scrap Heap
I want OUT
I do not know myself
I am bitter
At the Complete loss
Of my Sanity and my Dignity
And we cannot continue to blame 
The Mentally Ill
A life time of Anti psychotics
Doesn't make for a Well Society
If we place Value on the Human Soul
We cannot expect them to accept a Society
Which makes a diagnosis of a Mental Illness a Sentence to a Living HELL
We are effectively still leaving the Mentally Ill
For dead
If all we do is afford grudging Tolerance
Whereby most are unemployed as anything but Cleaners
Or Prostitutes if they are Strong enough
And I doubt that most are........
Work houses
And decent living Standards 
For every Citizen that wants to Work
Is the only Humane way
All the Kings Horse
All the Psychiatrists
Cannot save One
Of the Mentally Ill
Whilst We watch our fellow
Sufferers enduring the degradation they
Presently endure
All the Psychiatrists
And the Psychiatric Nurses
In the World
Cannot put a Bandage on the Suffering
Of the Mentally Ill
Until we See that they have PLACEMENT
Work gives Us a chance to display
Our WORTH
Rather than Our Weaknesses
I am ANGRY and RESENTFUL
That my WORTH
Has been wasted
But I am NON-VIOLENT
What is the sense of a Society
That is Top Heavy
Or Bottom Heavy
With people enduring unemployment
And Poverty
When dissociation form Work
And Dissociation makes us Mad 
Makes Us more MENTAL
Where is the Solution
If Our Society Structures
Only COMPOUND
The fear and the DAMAGE
It is upon the Governments
Of this World
That we should make Placement
for the Mentally Ill
I'm sick of being treated
Like some naughty
Three year old that deserves to be kicked into touch.....
for being over loaded with Anti-Psychotics
Until I virtually become Psychotic
To the point that I am begging for a Foresenic Ward
Where's the SOLUTION in that????????
Isn't it about time we faced up to the fact
That Our Psychiatric System is not working
We must avoid placing Our most vulnerable
In the Devils Workshop
For that is effectively where you place us firmly 
At the moment
And then we Speak admonishingly of people that become violent????
What do we expect
The PRESSURE
And the Stress
Of living with the Stigma
Of Mental Illness
Has made me crazy
Like a Stressed Rabit
That chews it's fellows ears.........
If We are to be Humane
We must avoid this
In Our fellows
And the ONLY Way
That this can be done
Is by giving the Mentally Ill
Opportunity and Work
Drugging them because they admit
To Weakness
Does not answer their fears
It only CONDEMNS
And Punishes them
If they cannot stand
The Condemnation
And Bullying
PLEASE
PLEASE
PLEASE
Help the Mentally Ill!!!!!

For Who Hears the Mentally Ill

From a life time of 
Mental Illness
From experiencing
Growing Up
With a GOOD Brain
That could have been put to Good use
I now beseech and Beg
That we must change the FOCUS
On the Care of the "Mentally Ill"
Awareness of the Stigma
Is a STRESSOR
In itself
I don't care if I don't
Write a BOOK
Or that I don't effectively
Have my Life Acknowledged
But I do care about Our Children
And Our Children's Children
If there is one thing that I can do....
It is BEG that We PROTECT
If Teenagers are fragile
It is because they know that
They cannot afford to fail
If We are to be a Civilised Society
We must look to those at the Bottom
Of the Ladder
With kindness and Consideration.
I went from being top of the Class
To being Alienated and Excluded
Languishing in relative Poverty
And even when I wasn't
Poverty of the Mind
Prevented me from Succeeding
I still debate that after my first
And Second 
And Third Breakdown
I had a USEFUL
ENGAGING Mind
I visualised myself
As a Cabbage Patch Doll
Because people refer to the Mentally Ill
As "Cabbages"
With my "little finger"
Attached to the Ladder
Therein lies the PROBLEM
And the Cure for Our Society
In a Truly Christian Society
We would not inadvertently 
Throw Our most Vulnerable
Off the Cliff so that we would Survive
It is both Selfish and Blind
Not to see
That the only way that we can 
COMFORT the Psyche of those with
Mental Illness
That we have made a Place
That we have safe Work environments
I did not work
Because I was vulnerable to Sexual Abuse
Let alone to the degradation 
Of the mocking of the Mentally Ill
I've Isolated
Developed Anti Social
And Compulsive Habits
I volunteer for the Scrap Heap
I want OUT
I do not know myself
I am bitter
At the Complete loss
Of my Sanity and my Dignity
And we cannot continue to blame 
The Mentally Ill
A life time of Anti psychotics
Doesn't make for a Well Society
If we place Value on the Human Soul
We cannot expect them to accept a Society
Which makes a diagnosis of a Mental Illness a Sentence to a Living HELL
We are effectively still leaving the Mentally Ill
For dead
If all we do is afford grudging Tolerance
Whereby most are unemployed as anything but Cleaners
Or Prostitutes if they are Strong enough
And I doubt that most are........
Work houses
And decent living Standards 
For every Citizen that wants to Work
Is the only Humane way
All the Kings Horse
All the Psychiatrists
Cannot save One
Of the Mentally Ill
Whilst We watch our fellow
Sufferers enduring the degradation they
Presently endure
All the Psychiatrists
And the Psychiatric Nurses
In the World
Cannot put a Bandage on the Suffering
Of the Mentally Ill
Until we See that they have PLACEMENT
Work gives Us a chance to display
Our WORTH
Rather than Our Weaknesses
I am ANGRY and RESENTFUL
That my WORTH
Has been wasted
But I am NON-VIOLENT
What is the sense of a Society
That is Top Heavy
Or Bottom Heavy
With people enduring unemployment
And Poverty
When dissociation form Work
And Dissociation makes us Mad 
Makes Us more MENTAL
Where is the Solution
If Our Society Structures
Only COMPOUND
The fear and the DAMAGE
It is upon the Governments
Of this World
That we should make Placement
for the Mentally Ill
I'm sick of being treated
Like some naughty
Three year old that deserves to be kicked into touch.....
for being over loaded with Anti-Psychotics
Until I virtually become Psychotic
To the point that I am begging for a Foresenic Ward
Where's the SOLUTION in that????????
Isn't it about time we faced up to the fact
That Our Psychiatric System is not working
We must avoid placing Our most vulnerable
In the Devils Workshop
For that is effectively where you place us firmly 
At the moment
And then we Speak admonishingly of people that become violent????
What do we expect
The PRESSURE
And the Stress
Of living with the Stigma
Of Mental Illness
Has made me crazy
Like a Stressed Rabit
That chews it's fellows ears.........
If We are to be Humane
We must avoid this
In Our fellows
And the ONLY Way
That this can be done
Is by giving the Mentally Ill
Opportunity and Work
Drugging them because they admit
To Weakness
Does not answer their fears
It only CONDEMNS
And Punishes them
If they cannot stand
The Condemnation
And Bullying
PLEASE
PLEASE
PLEASE
Help the Mentally Ill!!!!!

For Who Hears the Mentally Ill

From a life time of 
Mental Illness
From experiencing
Growing Up
With a GOOD Brain
That could have been put to Good use
I now beseech and Beg
That we must change the FOCUS
On the Care of the "Mentally Ill"
Awareness of the Stigma
Is a STRESSOR
In itself
I don't care if I don't
Write a BOOK
Or that I don't effectively
Have my Life Acknowledged
But I do care about Our Children
And Our Children's Children
If there is one thing that I can do....
It is BEG that We PROTECT
If Teenagers are fragile
It is because they know that
They cannot afford to fail
If We are to be a Civilised Society
We must look to those at the Bottom
Of the Ladder
With kindness and Consideration.
I went from being top of the Class
To being Alienated and Excluded
Languishing in relative Poverty
And even when I wasn't
Poverty of the Mind
Prevented me from Succeeding
I still debate that after my first
And Second 
And Third Breakdown
I had a USEFUL
ENGAGING Mind
I visualised myself
As a Cabbage Patch Doll
Because people refer to the Mentally Ill
As "Cabbages"
With my "little finger"
Attached to the Ladder
Therein lies the PROBLEM
And the Cure for Our Society
In a Truly Christian Society
We would not inadvertently 
Throw Our most Vulnerable
Off the Cliff so that we would Survive
It is both Selfish and Blind
Not to see
That the only way that we can 
COMFORT the Psyche of those with
Mental Illness
That we have made a Place
That we have safe Work environments
I did not work
Because I was vulnerable to Sexual Abuse
Let alone to the degradation 
Of the mocking of the Mentally Ill
I've Isolated
Developed Anti Social
And Compulsive Habits
I volunteer for the Scrap Heap
I want OUT
I do not know myself
I am bitter
At the Complete loss
Of my Sanity and my Dignity
And we cannot continue to blame 
The Mentally Ill
A life time of Anti psychotics
Doesn't make for a Well Society
If we place Value on the Human Soul
We cannot expect them to accept a Society
Which makes a diagnosis of a Sentence to a Living HELL
We are effectively still leaving the Mentally Ill
For dead
If all we do is afford grudging Tolerance
Whereby most are unemployed as anything but Cleaners
Or Prostitutes if they are Strong enough
And I doubt that most are........
Work houses
And decent living Standards 
For every Citizen that wants to Work
Is the only Humane way
All the Kings Horse
All the Psychiatrists
Cannot save One
Of the Mentally Ill
Whilst We watch our fellow
Sufferers enduring the degradation they
Presently endure
All the Psychiatrists
And the Psychiatric Nurses
In the World
Cannot put a Bandage on the Suffering
Of the Mentally Ill
Until we See that they have PLACEMENT
Work gives Us a chance to display
Our WORTH
Rather than Our Weaknesses
I am ANGRY and RESENTFUL
That might WORTH
Has been wasted
But I am NON-VIOLENT
What is the sense of a Society
That is Top Heavy
Or Bottom Heavy
With people enduring unemployment
And Poverty
When dissociation form Work
And Dissociation makes us Mad 
Makes Us more MENTAL
Where is the Solution
If Our Society Structures
Only COMPOUND
The fear and the DAMAGE
It is upon the Governments
Of this World
That we should make Placement
for the Mentally Ill
I'm sick of being treated
Like some naughty
Three year old that deserves to be kicked into touch.....
for being over loaded with Anti-Psychotics
Until I virtually become Psychotic
To the point that I am begging for a Foresenic Ward
Where's the SOLUTION in that????????
Isn't it about time we faced up to the fact
That Our Psychiatric System is not working
We must avoid placing Our most vulnerable
In the Devils Workshop
For that is effectively where you place us firmly 
At the moment
And then we Speak admonishingly of people that become violent????
What do we expect
The PRESSURE
And the Stress
Of living with the Stigma
Of Mental Illness
Has made me crazy
Like a Stressed Rabit
That chews it's fellows ears.........
If We are to be Humane
We must avoid this
In Our fellows
And the ONLY Way
That this can be done
Is by giving the Mentally Ill
Opportunity and Work
Drugging them because they admit
To Weakness
Does not answer their fears
It only CONDEMNS
And Punishes them
If they cannot stand
The Condemnation
And Bullying
PLEASE
PLEASE
PLEASE
Help the Mentally Ill!!!!!

For Who Hears the Mentally Ill

From a life time of 
Mental Illness
From experiencing
Growing Up
With a GOOD Brain
That could have been put to Good use
I now beseech and Beg
That we must change the FOCUS
On the Care of the "Mentally Ill"
Awareness of the Stigma
Is a STRESSOR
In itself
I don't care if I don't
Write a BOOK
Or that I don't effectively
Have my Life Acknowledged
But I do care about Our Children
And Our Children's Children
If there is one thing that I can do....
It is BEG that We PROTECT
If Teenagers are fragile
It is because they know that
They cannot afford to fail
If We are to be a Civilised Society
We must look to those at the Bottom
Of the Ladder
With kindness and Consideration.
I went from being top of the Class
To being Alienated and Excluded
Languishing in relative Poverty
And even when I wasn't
Poverty of the Mind
Prevented me from Succeeding
I still debate that after my first
And Second 
And Third Breakdown
I had a USEFUL
ENGAGING Mind
I visualised myself
As a Cabbage Patch Doll
Because people refer to the Mentally Ill
As "Cabbages
With my "little finger"
Attached to the Ladder
Therein lies the PROBLEM
And the Cure for Our Society
In a Truly Christian Society
We would not inadvertently 
Throw Our most Vulnerable
Off the Cliff so that we would Survive
It is both Selfish and Blind
Not to see
That the only way that we can 
COMFORT the Psyche of those with
Mental Illness
That we have made a Place
That we have safe Work environments
I did not work
Because I was vulnerable to Sexual Abuse
Let alone to the degradation 
Of the mocking of the Mentally Ill
I've Isolated
Developed Anti Social
And Compulsive Habits
I volunteer for the Scrap Heap
I want OUT
I do not know myself
I am bitter
At the Complete loss
Of my Sanity and my Dignity
And we cannot continue to blame 
The Mentally Ill
A life time of Anti psychotics
Doesn't make for a Well Society
If we place Value on the Human Soul
We cannot expect them to accept a Society
Which makes a diagnosis of a Sentence to a Living HELL
We are effectively still leaving the Mentally Ill
For dead
If all we do is afford grudging Tolerance
Whereby most are unemployed as anything but Cleaners
Or Prostitutes if they are Strong enough
And I doubt that most are........
Work houses
And decent living Standards 
For every Citizen that wants to Work
Is the only Humane way
All the Kings Horse
All the Psychiatrists
Cannot save One
Of the Mentally Ill
Whilst We watch our fellow
Sufferers enduring the degradation they
Presently endure
All the Psychiatrists
And the Psychiatric Nurses
In the World
Cannot put a Bandage on the Suffering
Of the Mentally Ill
Until we See that they have PLACEMENT
Work gives Us a chance to display
Our WORTH
Rather than Our Weaknesses
I am ANGRY and RESENTFUL
That might WORTH
Has been wasted
But I am NON-VIOLENT
What is the sense of a Society
That is Top Heavy
Or Bottom Heavy
With people enduring unemployment
And Poverty
When dissociation form Work
And Dissociation makes us Mad 
Makes Us more MENTAL
Where is the Solution
If Our Society Structures
Only COMPOUND
The fear and the DAMAGE
It is upon the Governments
Of this World
That we should make Placement
for the Mentally Ill
I'm sick of being treated
Like some naughty
Three year old that deserves to be kicked into touch.....
for being over loaded with Anti-Psychotics
Until I virtually become Psychotic
To the point that I am begging for a Foresenic Ward
Where's the SOLUTION in that????????
Isn't it about time we faced up to the fact
That Our Psychiatric System is not working
We must avoid placing Our most vulnerable
In the Devils Workshop
For that is effectively where you place us firmly 
At the moment
And then we Speak admonishingly of people that become violent????
What do we expect
The PRESSURE
And the Stress
Of living with the Stigma
Of Mental Illness
Has made me crazy
Like a Stressed Rabit
That chews it's fellows ears.........
If We are to be Humane
We must avoid this
In Our fellows
And the ONLY Way
That this can be done
Is by giving the Mentally Ill
Opportunity and Work
Drugging them because they admit
To Weakness
Does not answer their fears
It only CONDEMNS
And Punishes them
If they cannot stand
The Condemnation
And Bullying
PLEASE
PLEASE
PLEASE
Help the Mentally Ill!!!!!

Oh that,s Right

I Campaigned for my own Euthanasia
At Parliament
24 Years Ago
My Father
Raped me
My Brother didn't care
My father
Attempted
To Murder me...
But the Police
Didn't Care
The Psychiatric Hospital
Didn't Care
They Drugged me.....
They gave me 
Cancer
But the Hospital Inspector
And ACC didn't care
Their Psychiatric Medicines
Have robbed me of my Life Skills
And gave me a Drug Olanzepine
Which doesn't calm you
In the long run
The Nobody Home buzz
The Anti Psychotic that used Long Term
Makes you Permanently Psychotic
Why not place me
In a FORESNIC UNIT
Where I can Debate
Why I should not have the RIGHT
to Euthanasia
When I have to call up
My own Brother
To put a Bullet
In my Head
Because I simply cannot
Contain my Rage
Don't I at least Deserve the Right
To be Euthanised ?
Psychiatry is an Out dated Religion
Every Child
Even the Mentally Ill
Need Occupation
Presently Our Society
Treats the Mentally Ill
As lucky if they get to be Cleaners
PLEASE DON'T DRUG VICTIMS
Give them a Chance

One of the cleverest in my class

Why do the Psychiatrists bother with Labels in the first place anyway?  Why not just call their patients "fuck wits" because that's what they call them behind their backs anyway....
One doctor referring to another patient called this human being "Half Baked".  Half Baked because of Psychiatric Drugs and Half Baked because of the pressure of Stigma and the inevitable isolation if you have a lapse in your mental health.  Where are the second chances if that's the attitude even in the medical Profession?  Men would get more comfort from a Prostitute than a hypocritical Psychiatrist that spends his time observing your nuances, telling you going to be fine in a harsh and cruel Society whilst avoiding you like the plague out of consultation and probably warning all their colleagues about you and all their friends and their associates.  Isn't that the truth of how the Psychiatric System works?

Psychologists can be just as bad.  Confide in them and I had one psychologist warning my boyfriend of the danger of getting involved with "damaged goods".   You don't stand a chance when the very people that are supposed to be caring for you view you in such a negative light.  Where's the integrity of service to the humanity of the sufferer if all they see are their faults?

David Bates, a Hospital Inspector, said he didn't know where to place me on the continuum.  Aren't most Psychiatric Patients placed at the very bottom of the heap....rubbish rejects only good for a conversation whilst making a buck out of their plight.  To Lawyers dealing with the Mentally Ill is jokingly referred to as the "Gravy Train".  They'd be much better in the bedroom than they are at protecting their clients anyway.  It's all such a farce they may as well not bother!

Utterly Depressed

Started taking the Epilim again tonight.  When all else fails at least I have a crutch to fall on....even if it makes me ill...even if it kills me.......
It's not the Epilim that did the major damage.  It was that drug Olanzepine.  Twelve years fried my brains.  Shit I can't even KNIT!

Actually it was the last straw of a succession of powerful psychiatric drugs which Psychiatrists administered ad-lib to calm me down from reeling from victimisation in a dysfunctional family.

I did not speak of the sexual abuse......too ashamed, until years later but when I went to Kingseat Hospital complaining of attempted murder no one acknowledged the danger that I was in.  Nobody counselled me, nobody helped me.  They just used their sure fire cop out solution of medicating me.  When even the Police complain that you've wasted their time by calling them how am I supposed to react?  Am I that Sub-human and if that is a fact why then have I not the RIGHT to insist that they line me up against a wall and SHOOT me?

Am I a patient, am I human, or am I the enemy.  To solve the problem of the abuse and the attempted murder they, in my opinion, punished me with intense regimes of medication which would leave me trying to cope as a young adult with the intellect of a four year old.  Regularly dosing me with over 1000 mg of Largactil for eight week periods, which I believe was chronic overdosing that made me more disturbed than ever because of my sensitivity to the medication always made me fall into suicidal depression and it usually took 6 months for me to recover.  I did a drawing in Ode to Cat Stevens of a Mosk?? in Hamilton and looked back on it with shock at how childlike the work was.  It certainly illustrated the damage that was done to my brain.  Unfortunately the week I recovered was the week I was in for another round of intensive drugging.  I go for help because of tension in the family.  When my father called me a maggot because I forgot my handbag, etc, etc.  They may as well have put my brain in a frying pan and eaten it for all the damage the continual overdosing caused.  I wasn't the only one that suffered in this way.  I saw many beautiful young women, possibly also victimised in frenzied states from the drug regimes of our Psychiatric Hospitals.

Eventually I claimed ACC and received ten weeks counselling with Maureen Trainer and she likened the abuse to a Horror Story but the counselling ended and the abuse went on.  Psychiatry has it's place but the Culture in this country is arrogant and punishing of the Victim.

I've cost this country thousands and thousands of dollars just to keep me alive so I can BITCH.
To add insult to injury I believe I was gang raped by a charge nurse called Graham and his henchmen after they put me in a side cell and drugged me.  I was doing absolutely nothing but standing in the yard before they called me in to the side cell and I was so distressed I was trying to change my DNA with the toilet paper when I woke up in my side room.  I woke in such a state of panic that I was almost asphyxiated and spent a long time breathing through a one inch crack in the side room window.  Of course they always get away with it because, drugged, what would I remember.  It did not help having a Rapid response nurse pointedly asking me if I remembered Graham.  How could I forget but I did not know the "henchmen".  

Perhaps those were the bad old days but recently I was told that a P. A. who I actually liked in Waikato had been caught by another client raping a female in the Ward.  The lack of respect towards the psychiatrically ill is absolutely disgusting and it is all buried under the carpet.  

All the MISTAKES with medication are also played down and buried and their is so little accountability that it is not a wonder I've got to the stage that I said I felt like murdering six Psychiatrists and being put in a Forensic Unit for the anger and the rage that they have inspired in me. 

They've fried me and taken away my life skills anyway so why not give the the safety and security of a Forensic Ward.

They talk compassionately about the poor bastards that have been inadvertently or I prefer to say negligently obliterated with Antipsychotics in the old Hospitals and yet they conveniently turn a blind eye to the damage their medications are reeking on their patients that are trying to survive, against the odds, in the community on" subsistence benefits".  They patronise that if you can shower yourself and feed yourself you are doing well enough that they consider their regimes a success.  If you are spending 16 hours in bed a day they counter that you should just get out of bed even though their drugs are causing the extreme inertia in the first place.

They categorically deny surveys that point out that their own psychiatric medicines, when used on Monkeys, are known to shrink the brain by up to 14% when you beg them that something is terribly wrong because all you find yourself doing is sitting in a chair in a state of paralysis and Peter Skilton had the audacity to blame my condition on "learned helplessness".  Even with Mental Illness I was a highly motivated human being that was always trying to achieve something and apply myself to something until the long term effects of Psychiatric medication, and namely Olanzepine ravaged my brain.

There are millions of people on psychiatric medicine and most of them dying early deaths because of their Psychiatrists generosity when it comes to pilly pills because in the minds of our Communities we are Sub-human and there is no consequence because, they, in all their Wisdom, have at least PACIFIED them and offered PITY.

It is not PITY we need.  It is minimum medication but mostly Occupation and the Government needs to lead the way in setting this up.  Some of the Worlds Brightest minds are being wasted and ravaged in communities still so influenced by Stigma that it amounts to HATE.  I do not like people calling me "Anally Retentive" because Society leaves me with little options and plenty of time to feel sorry for myself.  I'm SCREWED but PLEASE Spare the children and Our Children's Children.  AMEN