Hi John

Positives

I had the most lovely Day Yesterday
My Painter came and worked
And had lunch
Salami and tomato and cucumber and avacado Sandwichs
My friend Joan the Witch helped me
To Plant Peas and Beans
And Parsley and Chives
And I went out to Burton Lodge
To have a Spa with "Princess Di"
And my Sister is coming to organise
My Bill Payments
People are so Kind
How could I possibly
Want Out
My Psychiatric Nurse
Is Organising Home Care
So that I may have a Companion
To encourage me
To get on My Feet
Pick up Your Bed
And Walk
So said Jesus I think

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Tight Five

I declared
As of Today
Our family
Is a Tight Five

I've eaten Chocolate and I'm feeling Playful

Love Front Please Spare the Children!

I remember
When
Spot
Ben's
Father
Shook Hands
Through Me!

But A Rocket
Scientist
One May Be!
God so Help Me

And Suddenly

What a Scientist
Would Do

I am Alive

I have a Garden
With Peas
And Beans
And Chives
And Blessed Parsley
My Painter
Came and Did
On the Sauna Room
And it was
Another
Happy Day
In Pardise
I understood
Empathy
At the Arts Society
And Love from the Lady Golfers

I carried her Well Wishes
And felt her Presence
That is the Bond
Of Love

So What Am I thinking
Is it Actually
Quite Interesting
Exciting!
Being free
Isn't it Funny!

And my Sister looks like an Older Version of Marilyn Monroe

Thank you Jo Jo for being a Bundle of Joy!
When Tipsy

I'm am Praised

By My First Love
That I was
The Most Beautiful
On Earth
I remember
I did Make
Love
to God
On the Beach
Of Port WaiKato

Well I'm Swilling on Adams Ale!

And I'm betting on a Hunch!
And I shall do a "Painting"
Of Course
Of a Courtesan!
Likes the Days
Of Old
Sweet Chariot!

Jo Jo is off to Canada

I took her two Lady Birds
As a Bon Voyage Gift
And snuck in some Wine
There will be a Void

The Door to my Boudoir

Has a Virgin Whip
On the Key

I am one step AWAY from SUICIDE

May I live to be a Grandmother

Today my White Witch and I Planted Flowers and Tomato Plants.

My Son shared with Me the fact that He can't wait to have children and his Own House and Garden. If he is blessed with a Bi-Polar Child may He or She grow to Full Potenial!

Oh I forgot Anthony Minicello!

I'm going to Paint a Picture

Of a woman
Tied Up
And Helpless
Wanting
To be Teased
And Titivated!

I'm being a Prat!

All because
I have a loving Partner
That doesn't want to
Make Love to Me!

The Truth is the hardest thing to face

Peter is a great Minder
But his Mistress
Is Methadone
I have no interest
In life
Without Affection

List of Lovers

John Key
Dr daBorn
Dr Knight
Dr Saaba
Simon Menzies
and Warren Scotter
and Maybe my Psychiatric Nurse!

I've given up my cigarettes again

And I'm feeling bitchy
I have no reason
For Caring
For Myself
Because
My Love Life
Is Barren
I've always said
I'd rather be a Courtesan
Than a crims whim
As a sexual Abuse Victim
I think I'd actually like
To be Comforted
By Polite
And courteous Gentlemen
And I'd like to
Play the Harp
And put flowers
In vases
Rather than
Settle
For a Bully
To out Bully
The Bullies
I cannot bear
That there is
No romance
In my life

Positives

The Crisis team are Great
I had Mint Pesto made by Diane
My friend Jo Jo and Joanne Counselled
Me about pulling up my socks
I am alive
And I suppose
Where there is Life
There is Hope
It's a Beautiful World
And I was a Beautiful Child
Please God
Give me back my Innocence
And Naievety

So as to Not Euthanaise

I need a Doctor
A Psychiatrist
A Lover
An Accountant
A Lawyer
A Solicitor
A Dentist
And a Credit Card
So that I could adopt
A Girly Philosophy
Like Paris
Or Barbie
I don't want to be a Toy
But Please
If I cannot Defend Myself
Defend Me
I definitely need a Good Psychiatric Nurse
And the Mentor
Of a White Witch
And a Minister of Religion
To Bless
Me


Well don't know what I was mumbling on about
Being Mentally Ill is One thing
Co-existing in a Hostile Community
Is quite another
When One is Young
One is Vulnerable
We must Assist
Those that have fallen
Off the Cliff
If We do not want
People to Become
Burdens to Society
They need to be
Groomed for Employment
And Placement
Within the Community
That is the only
Humane
Way of Dealing with Mental Illness
The Present Charade
Is left Wanting

To Doctor Saaba

Dear Doctor S

Yes my Mind was trying to Euthanaise
My Body
Because
My Soul
Has
Suffered
So Much on Earth
Pray that
Our Babies
Are not
So Subjected
PLEASE
PSYCHIATRY
IS FOR THE FALLEN
PLEASE
LET THE
CHILDREN
GROW
LIKE TREES
IN THE FULL BLOOM
OF HEAVEN

MY PROGNOSIS
Is that
The illness is Severe
And that my final Sane
Wish
Is that my Child
Not be Robbed
Because
Of My Frailty

Dark Valley

I had Romantic Visions
Of cutting
My Own throat
Beside the failing
Rose Garden
So that
I be Remembered
For My Courage
Rather than my weakness
I am a Sinner
And Please
God
Remember a Good
Story
When I am
Alone in the Darkness
Shine Your Light
And lead me forward
Toward
Love and
Hope!

Truth to Truth

If we are to CREATE HEAVEN ON EARTH
WE MUST wORSHIP THE mEEK.
aND SHOWER THEM
wITH gENEROSITY
aND jOY
AND SEX
IF THEY WANT
aND NEED IT
TO REMAIN HEALTHY
i WOULD GLADLY
HAVEN BEEN
A COURTESAN
FOR THE COMFORT
IT WOULD HAVE GIVEN ME
bUT BECAUSE OF
HYPOCRICY
wE COMMIT
mURDER
OF iNNOCENCE

Black Friday

It's not the thirteenth but it is a black Friday anyway. I spend my time fantasizing about commiting suicide. Everybody is bending over backwards to accommodate me and the only option seems to be to go back to Hospital and have E.C.T. I've had umpteen admissions to Mental Hospitals and have always maintained a Positive outlook in the Past.

But I've come to the end of my tether. I swing between Suicidal Depression or with the Bi-Polar being a Mad Fairy, flitting around making a fool of myself and being called "Colourful" by the kind. The Ambulance at the bottom of the Cliff seems a complete waste of time and money and Suicide seems like the preferable option for me at the moment.

I'm angry at myself and angry at the System because Hope is just a word that is offered when capable, intelligent people are shunned from the Work force because they have a Mental Illness. I had U.E and couldn't get a job as a tea lady because I have a Mental Illness and declared it. Trying to be Positive in the face of the degree of Isolation one experiences seems futile. You pretend it is O.k while you move in ever decreasing circles until you really are Mad. Then they offer you umpteen solutions and courses of Action when you know you have completely lost your mind and cannot even avail yourself of the resourses available.

If you have a Mental Illness people are excused for your attempted Murder and sexual abuse and then you are told that your behaviour is so inappropriate that it is not a wonder that person tried to murder you. I would be happier in Tokanui than being left to flounder in our "Civilised" community that talks about your weaknesses and about being a bludger because you are unemployed and living in the community. People call you annally retentive and such like and you are left to rattle around in your own home feeling like a Prisoner and as if you yourself have committed a crime.

Morally I should have a right to Euthanasia because a Human Being can only stand so much grief and bullying. And a simple solution to saving the souls of the Mentally Ill would be to include rather than exclude them in Society. I am not a killer and I would only take the anger out on myself but you cannot expect to offer such high levels of Hopelessness in Our Society and not expect murders to happen.

Half way homes like Pathways are not a solution because people rattle around there like skeletons in closets drugged up to the eye balls so that they are comfortable with their pain of exclusion. Honest to goodness work for the Mentally Ill would give them dignity and halve the amount of drugs that they need. I am sick of cleaning toilets and saying how wonderful life is so give me peace and stop wasting money on me and give those that can still be helped a decent chance!