Black Friday

It's not the thirteenth but it is a black Friday anyway. I spend my time fantasizing about commiting suicide. Everybody is bending over backwards to accommodate me and the only option seems to be to go back to Hospital and have E.C.T. I've had umpteen admissions to Mental Hospitals and have always maintained a Positive outlook in the Past.

But I've come to the end of my tether. I swing between Suicidal Depression or with the Bi-Polar being a Mad Fairy, flitting around making a fool of myself and being called "Colourful" by the kind. The Ambulance at the bottom of the Cliff seems a complete waste of time and money and Suicide seems like the preferable option for me at the moment.

I'm angry at myself and angry at the System because Hope is just a word that is offered when capable, intelligent people are shunned from the Work force because they have a Mental Illness. I had U.E and couldn't get a job as a tea lady because I have a Mental Illness and declared it. Trying to be Positive in the face of the degree of Isolation one experiences seems futile. You pretend it is O.k while you move in ever decreasing circles until you really are Mad. Then they offer you umpteen solutions and courses of Action when you know you have completely lost your mind and cannot even avail yourself of the resourses available.

If you have a Mental Illness people are excused for your attempted Murder and sexual abuse and then you are told that your behaviour is so inappropriate that it is not a wonder that person tried to murder you. I would be happier in Tokanui than being left to flounder in our "Civilised" community that talks about your weaknesses and about being a bludger because you are unemployed and living in the community. People call you annally retentive and such like and you are left to rattle around in your own home feeling like a Prisoner and as if you yourself have committed a crime.

Morally I should have a right to Euthanasia because a Human Being can only stand so much grief and bullying. And a simple solution to saving the souls of the Mentally Ill would be to include rather than exclude them in Society. I am not a killer and I would only take the anger out on myself but you cannot expect to offer such high levels of Hopelessness in Our Society and not expect murders to happen.

Half way homes like Pathways are not a solution because people rattle around there like skeletons in closets drugged up to the eye balls so that they are comfortable with their pain of exclusion. Honest to goodness work for the Mentally Ill would give them dignity and halve the amount of drugs that they need. I am sick of cleaning toilets and saying how wonderful life is so give me peace and stop wasting money on me and give those that can still be helped a decent chance!